Simon's Diary
by the Scary Godmother
Summary: Dear Diary, Today....
1. Default Chapter

**_SIMON'S DIARY_**

"Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy." 

"Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever." 

(from the episode 'Safe')

  
  
  


1-1-2517

Dear Diary,

Today, I wore the maroon shirt, and River did something crazy. 

  
  


1-4-2517

Dear Diary,

Today, I didn't have sex with Kaylee, I wondered why Jayne looks so much like that guy who was on the X-files when it got really bad, and River did something crazy. 

  
  


1-5-2517

Dear Diary,

I sat Jayne down today and told him that his feelings were natural, that all men goes through these types of phases, and that it was nothing to be ashamed of. 

Oh, and River did something crazy. 

  
  


1-6-2517

Dear Diary,

Today, I _almost_ had sex with Kaylee, does that count?

And River did something crazy.

  
  


1-8-2517

Dear Diary,

Considering that it is a small ship, and noise carries, I wish Wash & Zoe wouldn't be so....vigorous. I tried to speak with Zoe about it today, but she had so much dead panning to do. 

And River did something crazy.  


1-11-2517

Dear Diary,

Captain backed down from a fight today, and River did something crazy.

  
  


1-12-2517

Dear Diary,

Today I wondered if maybe Inara would have sex with me..? 

Oh, and River did something crazy.

  
  


1-13-2517

Dear Diary,

Why, Lord, Why does the Captain have to wear his pants _so TIGHT??!?!?_ Today, I had to remove his testicle from his zipper...again.... and then River did something crazy.

  
  


1-14-2517

Dear Diary,

As it turns out, Inara _won't_ have sex with me, and River's gone off and done something crazy again.

  
  


1-15-2517

Dear Diary,

Do you think maybe Zoe would have sex with me?

  
  


1-19-2517

Dear Diary,

No, Zoe won't have sex with me either as it turns out. Oh, and River did something crazy.

  
  


1-20-2517

Dear Diary,

Today, the Captain took in yet another interstellar stray, who turned out to be not entirely honest about their motives and were really after the Serenity...and then River did something crazy. 

  
  


1-21-2517

Dear Diary,

I know everyone just thinks of me as the Doctor, but...do any of them really _know_ me? Have any of them taken the time to get to know the Simon inside? Nobody really cares about my real ambitions. No one even knows that what I really want to do is DANCE!!!

Oh, and River....yeah, you know what's coming.

  
  


1-22-2517

Dear Diary,

Well, today I danced. I danced like a young lass in the bud of her youth, with the sun on her face and the wind up her skirts. I haven't felt so merry or alive since the summer in my boyhood when Uncle Patrick introduced me to his gentlemen friends. 

and River did something crazy.

  
  


1-24-2517

Dear Diary,

What the hell kind of a name is 'Thegn' anyway?

  
  


1-26-2517

Dear Diary,

Have you ever noticed that every time it's supposed to be an easy job, it NEVER IS????????

And you know what else? How come _River_ always gets to be the wacky one? Maybe I'm unbalanced too! Maybe I have feelings! Maybe I hate the cans too!!!!! I mean all I _ever_ hear about is ....Ohhhh...River did something crazy... Simon, guess what crazy thing River did..... Look, River's gonna do something crazy....RIVER RIVER RIVER !!!!!

  
  


1-27-2517

Dear Diary,

Crazy bitch.

  
  


1-29-2517

Dear Diary,

Today, I juggled geese, and then River did something crazy. 

  
  


1-30-2517

Dear Diary,

Do you think maybe Jayne would have sex with me?


	2. Chapter Two: The Fellowship of The Thegn

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**

Simon's Diary, Chapter Two: 

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE THEGN

**  
  
  


Dear Diary,

Wait a minute, what's wrong with my maroon shirt? It's very slimming. And someone please explain to me why my father sounds like the sensei off the Karate Kid. 'Many years', what the Christ was that, Yoda speak? No wonder River's crazy!   
  
  


Dear Diary, 

Just for once, I'd like to stop on a planet that still gets 'Soul Train'. I mean, we still all eat out of alluminum cans, surely_ somebody's _still got to have a **TV **!!! 

Oh, and today, River did something crazy. Big surprise there. 

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

God, _please_ let that repeated, wet smacking sound coming from the direction of Zoey and Wash's bunk be a washing machine I didn't know we had. Please Lord. 

Oh, River did something crazy. 

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

Last night, afterwards, I tried to explain to Kaylee that I didn't do anything weird. I mean, lots of people scream out the name Jayne during sex. I don't think she believed me.

  
  
  


Dear Diary, 

My show got put on haitus because River wouldn't stop doing crazy shit. 

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

Today, I sat the Captain down and told him, "Malcolm, if you ever want to have children, you've got to loosen the seams on those pants."

And then River did something crazy.

  
  
  


Dear Diary, 

I asked myself again today, **Why Cows?** I am never ever going to get my shoes clean.

Oh, and River did something crazy. 

  
  
  


ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIMON A DULL DULL BOY.   
  
  


Dear Diary,

Today I found out that in space, no one can hear Jayne repeatedly flushing your head in the tiolet.

And then River did something crazy.

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

How come the Captain gets all the chicks? I mean, who does he think he is, the strangely moralistic outlaw leader of some ragtag crew of misfits cruising through the stars just trying to outrun the law, their pasts, and the guys with guns?......oh. Right. Nevermind.

And River did something crazy.

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

After intense study, the only reason I could come up with for someone to repeatedly cut in to my sister's healthy brain tissue is that she was **SO DAMN ANNOYING** and that was the ONLY thing they could think of that might get her to shut the hell up and STOP ACTING CRAZY!!!!

Oh, and we had corn for dinner. Good corn.

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

_Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Simon from the block. Used to have a little now I have a lot. No matter what I know where I came from._

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

Today, my teddy bear was insolent. It was sitting on my bed, laughing at me. Always sitting so still, just looking so.....furry. And brown. Pretending to be so damn innocent. WELL FUCK YOU MR. BEAR !! YOU SPEAK LIES !! LIEEESSS!! 

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

Today, River....blah, blah, blah, **SPAZ**, you know, the usual.

  
  
  


Dear Diary,

You know, I'm starting to think there might really be something wrong with my sister....

  
  



End file.
